On being scared & talking to strangers

annairenel, DeviantArt

Hey everyone,

I want to start challenging myself more to accomplish something daily, Eleanor Roosevelt style. Too long have I stared at my to-do lists with a slight frown, noting at the end of the day that nothing was accomplished because I got stuck staring at cute illustrations on Tumblr. I mean, to avoid applying for new jobs and learning French, I have started reading fan fiction again for the first time in about 10 years. When I don’t want to go to the gym (a to-do list staple), I reason with myself that my dog deserves my attention and I should go for a walk with her instead; I end up staring at her from my bed while I shovel another spoonful of Nutella into my mouth. I am that person. I am the girl who complains that nothing is happening in her life, but proceeds to do nothing to fix that. I sit and stare at my many many lists of lofty dreams and achievable goals and refuse to budge on any of them. I am so tired of being that person. I’m sure many people who read this feel the same way. Life is passing you by, and you want to jump in and prove yourself by accomplishing something big (or small, who cares at this point), but instead you stand by the shore and just keep warily eyeing the current. Is that a mixed metaphor?

Last night, I decided to be an adult – kind of – and make a phone call to the volunteer coordinator of a project I was kind of interested in working on. He had emailed me the day before, saying that we should talk on the phone and figure out exactly how I could help catalogue thousands of animation cells and movie memorabilia that he was planning on selling off for the benefit of a national health organization. I maturely put the call off for one day because I hate phone calls, and the idea of having a spontaneous interview for a volunteer position scared me a bit. It sounded like something that could give me a foundational knowledge of classification and, at the very least, something to say in a job interview when they asked for ‘archival experience’. It was a long shot, but hey, helping someone put some movie posters from his garage up for sale might just be a good jumping point.

When I called, I was expecting a semi-old, semi-senile old man who wanted to gather his belongings up and maybe sell them for a few hundred dollars. What I got instead was an animation instructor from a local art school who had lent his collection out for exhibitions, and once for a party at Disney, who was going to produce an art sale and donate thousands to a really good cause. I was immediately intimidated, so much so that I accidentally told him I was having ‘a fan girl moment’. How embarrassing. He was so gracious and helpful and positive; ultimately, he said that he wanted to find a place for me in the project where I could learn something. There were other volunteers working, and he maybe wanted to expand the project past the simple task of cataloguing his thousands of items. It was not the interview, nor the offer I was expecting. Suddenly, I had this established person in the art world who maybe wants to help me figure out how to gain actual useful professional experience. Too good to be true? Anyways, it all ended with a promise to call him next week to set up a face-to-face meeting to discuss potential projects and time management. Again, I like putting things off; this time I used Easter as an excuse.

When I hung up, panic set in. It was- and still is – something that makes my anxiety just soar to its highest heights. Firstly, appointments with figures of authority make me feel like I am going in to be judged. I also have a problem doing anything in the art world (the freaking field I want to get into) because I am intimidated and insecure about my own education. Did I actually learn enough to pass? Or did I just sit in my apartment crying for four years – I really can’t tell anymore. What if I say something stupid to him and he realizes that his initial offer to help me out was wasted? The man set up an exhibition for Disney. DISNEY. Let’s add the fact that meeting people and making first impressions is like putting 10,000 needles in my eye at once. It’s not a pleasant thing. I over think, I look stoic and off putting, or I go so far as acting supremely fake in an effort to make things right between me and the poor person who is forced to be in my company. This isn’t just with authority figures, it’s with anyone. Those ‘other volunteers’ that I’ll be working with? I will probably freak them out with my silence and Wednesday Adams glares within an hour. This is especially true for boys. Never have I been more anxious when I have to talk to a guy my age about anything. This is most likely why I never have had a boyfriend and no one has ever expressed the least bit of interest in me. I’m off topic…

It’s true that maybe this opportunity is too good to be true and the guy is not as impressive as I’m thinking he is. The worst that can happen is that he and the other volunteers ask me to stop willingly giving my free time up to sorting old drawings and collectibles. Still, my heart won’t stop beating when I think about it. It now seems less of a good networking prospect and more of a terrifying opportunity for failure. I know that I need to be like Eleanor and do something that scares me. That was the point of this post, after all. It may not be exactly what she was talking about, but I need to get through the small steps before I move on to bigger things. I want to start being a person who dives in and loves her life. No more sitting out.

Yes I may fail, but no matter what I will grow a bit too. Maybe it’s worth it. I’m going to be spending my Easter long weekend reading social anxiety coping guides and articles that list ways that I can impress people.

I’ll update you all on the happenings later. Don’t forget to be awesome.