Guys, this is going to be a fun rant. Just so you know, I mean ‘fun’ in a truly sarcastic way. I mean, I’m not going to say that you may not have a good chortle at my heightened distress over something so ridiculous, but I doubt you will. Maybe you’ll just feel pity; I’d be interested to know.
“Everything is temporary.” A lot of people have been telling me this for the past couple of years since graduating from university. My mother, father, best friends and sometimes friendly coworkers try to alleviate my distress by saying those three words (or a close variation thereof). I’m not going to say that this is a comprehensive list of reasons why I fucking hate that that statement, but I needed to get this out and it’s the best I could do.
The thing that I don’t think they seem to realize is that those words aren’t calming. Like, at all. Living in a state where everything is constantly a ‘temporary’ solution – jobs, living situations, transportation limitations, the ability to date, and social availability – is pretty much like living on a mountain ledge beneath a snow pile and waiting for the avalanche to smother you at any moment. It feels as if everything is about to crash around you and you’re constantly waiting for the shift in weather. Unemployment is a threat, you are always thinking about creative ways to kill your shitty roommates, and you’re pretty sure that leaving at 10:00 pm on a Friday night to catch the bus ride home is your date’s least favourite idea of a ‘good time.’ I still like to wave sleepily out the window from my seat on the bus as I drive away, because I’m not that great on dates anyway. Does this surprise you?
The issue is that you can slide so easily into speaking hyperbolically about these situations. Especially when you’ve been living in a transitory state for so long; that constant change becomes your lifestyle. Suddenly, you’re the person who never has a job, is living in one shitty situation to the next, doesn’t have a relationship, and cannot make time to come out. It’s the depression talking really and I should know that by now. Everything sucks. No one cares that you can’t hang out on the weekend because everyone has already forgotten you exist. You’ll never be able to get out of the shitty suburb you moved to (because it was cheaper) and affording a car is not going to happen. And finding a man you actually connect with? Not really in the cards, pal. It becomes an emotional trap, I think. The initial statement itself – everything is temporary – uses embellished language too. You get into the mindset of categorizing your thoughts into finite little boxes: everything or nothing. It’s such a negative path. I know that change can be invigorating and necessary, but I also think that everyone needs a little bit of security in their lives.
Everything being temporary has its own positive aspects of course: there’s no routine; you have the ability to learn new things, meet new people and you don’t necessarily need to settle. That’s what the people who love me really want me to focus on. Look how good I have it! Look how many skills I’m learning and how well I will know myself when I’ve finally found everything in life that I want! I’ll know what I can’t stand in relationships and in jobs. I’m so fortunate to not be stuck, to not have to be tied down to one place or person. That being said, it’s not an effective argument to me.
Money is such a limitation when you’re living in transition. Having a ‘temporary’ situation is all well and good if you’re financially stable and can move freely from place to place. Don’t like your living situation? It’s TEMPORARY. Fix it. Move. Don’t like your job? That’s fine, in a few months you’ll have time to find something you really like! It’s no problem! Having problems getting to the bus on time? Well, right now transit is an option for you, but you can save for a few months and then finance car. Find an alternative; there always is one. A fuckboi won’t leave you alone? Good thing he was only a temporary solution to your loneliness. You only had to deal with him for a few dates and away he goes. You can now avoid him at comic book conventions and shopping malls until your heart is content.
Aside from maybe the last example, money plays such a huge role in whether or not you can view your impermanent lifestyle as a choice or as a prison. You can’t leave a living situation when you don’t have first/last month’s rent for your new place. You can’t leave the city to find a new job that suits your career goals; who has the money for all those startup costs? How are you going to afford a car or a plane ticket or a new bike when you can barely afford your student loan? How can you get some savings together when you’re constantly looking for work (generally something entry level because who has time to build skills necessary for higher in contract work)? You can’t just go back to school to enhance your marketable skills or take time to do an internship; money restricts you from those options. Just like I said before – I always feel like I then have nothing. Everything is temporary and I’ll never have the things I want. It’s how my mind works; it’s fucked up, I know. That’s the wonders of my thought process.
Maybe it’s just problematic for me – an anxious young woman who’s never had a routine to hate – and then I’m just rambling for nothing. The true Canadian side of me is telling me to apologize to you for wasting your time. The thing that I want most (and what I’ve been saying in the majority of my job interviews for the past two years, for better or worse) is security. I want the feeling that I can go to a job where I am comfortable, with benefits and a future. I would like to date someone for a while and know that I don’t have to be afraid of letting myself fall in love with them, even just a little, because it could be a long term thing. I want the freedom of deciding my own schedule and not being restricted to when someone can pick me up or else having to struggle with the transit schedule. I want so many things. I just have to keep trucking through all these ‘temporary’ situations and I anticipate that I will find something permanent soon. I need to stop being so negative and try to block the part of my brain that sees everything in black and white. I need to take advantage of the opportunities that I am given and keep moving forward. And I guess that’s what’s really keeping me going: the hope that I’ll find my routine and everything will stop being so fucking temporary. Then I’ll probably be pissed off about that too. I’m pretty excited for that day.
Here’s a list of things I know aren’t temporary:
- the love I have for my family
- my hatred of cell phone companies and my brother’s sword collection
- my ability to produce a deadpan comment on command
- my attachment to books
- the inevitable heat death of the universe
That’s pretty much it.
Socially Averse 