Amanda Lovelace

I want to kick my own ass (and other motivational words from me)

The thing I hate most about being in a depressive hole for so long is that I don’t give up hope. I’m one of those people who believes my life is eventually going to get better. Everyone has these pitfalls every once in a while… there’s going to be one small delight or accomplishment that’s going to get me back on track and I’m going to move forward, stronger than ever.

That’s why I woke up this morning so upset. Yesterday, I finally did something that I’ve been putting off for years. I went and did my first road test (my province has graduated licensing, so it’s one written test, followed by two road tests). I can drive by myself again. When I had lost my license (because I didn’t finish the last road test within the allotted five years), I had felt like an idiot. Doing the first written test again made me feel immature. Having to get a driving instructor to monitor me for a session made me feel ridiculous. That being said, I did all of this because months ago a very close friend who was concerned at my mental state then told me I ‘needed a win.’ I needed to succeed at one thing that I knew I could already do, that might be a little bit stressful, but that in the end would launch me out of the mood I was in and back on the path to winning. That for some stupid reason is what I expected out of yesterday. I was hopeful. I thought I’d finally be ok with job applications, and the stress of letting other people worry about me (which is a whole other post, trust me) and the need to find something good that I could build my life out of.

I feel like I’m kind of in the starting gate still and everyone else is getting their shit together. This is common – especially for my generation – but, I can’t seem to get my head to reevaluate my position. I’m stuck in this damned mood and I wanted this win too. I passed, everything is great, but I still feel like a failure and unjustifiably numb. I’m not better. It didn’t magically lift me out of shit. It’s small peanuts in comparison to being unemployed and not having enough money for dog food and groceries. It’s not an accomplishment if I still have to ask my mom for money or for my friends to pay for things. I should be an adult by now, right? There’s too much going on in my brain to let something like being able to drive make me feel better, maybe. I don’t even have a car. I can’t afford to rent a car or borrow one and pay for gas. I have nothing right now. It’s not a win at all.

 

This entire post reminds me of Live Journal. Did anyone have one of those as a teen? All my friends would use them as half-diary, half-quiz-collection catch alls. I just remember the need to emote a lot. Sometimes I had things that were actually problems, but I was soooo dramatic about it. I guess I need to put my drama somewhere, right? Let me inner-monologue here for a bit! I’ll be kind of funny again soon, I assume.

This is just complaining. Whoops.

I’ll come back to post something better when I feel like I can move again.

Don’t forget to be awesome. x

Do you know how great the Self-Help genre is? … And other thoughts.

Guys,

I’d love to tell you that I’ve been crazy productive in the past year, and everything in my previous ‘Everything is TEMPORARY’ post has completely shifted. Ha ha, I can’t. A lot of things are different, but a lot of things are the same. That’s how life works out most of the time, right? I wanted to get back into blogging because I still want to show discipline and I want something I can excel at – even just for me – and my friends are right: Writing is cathartic. In a way. It also leaves me biting my nails and wondering if anyone cares at all about my crazy ass rants. Maybe. You seem to have stuck with me through this paragraph – good on you. Kudos.

Anyways, I just wanted to maybe update you on some of the fun things that are going on in my life, some things I want to plan and just stay positive. People with anxiety have problems really living in the ‘now’ and totally forget all the good shit they have going on, and focus on the future (and if you get the added bonus of depression, the past as well). It’s something I’m still struggling to work on, but I can say that I’ve been a lot more receptive to reading self improvement books and psychology books actually talking about what the fuck my head is trying to make me into – like when I suddenly remember my 5th grade pseudo-boyfriend and I at 2:30 AM. It’s helping. Really. It is! Guys, I swear! I always thought it was bullshit to read self affirming garbage that tells you things you already know. It’s like listening to your mother telling you you’re special and he didn’t deserve you anyways. Guys, I am such a convert. Self improvement (self-help) books, or at least the ones I’ve been carefully selecting due to their creative use of swearwords on their covers, are AWESOME. I love affirmations. I’m going to tell myself I’m BRIGHT, I’m BRILLIANT, and I’m BEAUTIFUL every fucking day for the rest of my life. I’ll try posing like wonder woman in the bathroom of the doctor’s office when I have to ask for a second opinion, why not? You want me to post sticky notes on my door telling myself ‘I love me’? You fucking got it.

The best thing about these audio books, kindle read-a-longs and good ol’ fashioned hardcovers is that if you get annoyed with the positivity that it is trying to bring to your world, you just close the fucking thing and wallow, my friend. No one is stopping you. You don’t have to upset your mom or your friend by side-eyeing their compliments and wonderful advice to better yourself because it’s your own personal journey. You can skip chapters, you can read one line over and over. If you don’t like the advice, who cares? Certainly not the author, they probably have an awesome podcast to record right that second anyways. No seriously, there are so many self help podcasts out there too.

I think the stigma behind reading books focused on your own mental wellness needs to disappear. Everyone I know could use a little help. My dad, the most neurotypical guy in my family (not saying much) was in the car with me the other day and I swear to you I gasped because he was road raging so hard. Keep in mind that this man is used to all kinds of driving, has never been in an accident (aside from accidentally hitting my mom’s car in a parking lot when she unexpectedly braked on time) and is an all around good driver. Sure, he used to show signs of annoyance when a car would drive up the shoulder of a road to get 3 spots ahead in traffic (my most hated driving pet peeve, seriously don’t do that), but who doesn’t have those small things? The other day he was swearing up a storm, HONKING (unheard of in my family) and flipping off people who were trying to honestly drive the best they could in traffic. I tried to kind of joke around with him about him being a little out of line, because that’s how we talk about feelings, but it was when I really told him that this behaviour was gross and ‘not him’ that he opened up. The amount of stress and hardship that he and his wife are under right now feels like a bombardment on all sides. He’s trying to retire and his work isn’t prepping the way it should when they need to replace an Operations Manager. The kids are all fucked up. Every little thing feels like a knife and he doesn’t really have a way to release that… Queue the honking and the yelling.

Everyone has that. They have anger or sadness or confusion that they don’t know how to work out and god forbid they talk to a psychologist. The cost, let alone tge stigma in society keeps a lot of people away. Talking to someone in your family can only take you so far, especially when they themselves don’t know how to help you. Do you know how many times I’ve had friend’s open up to me, only for me to say ‘no, I feel exactly the same’ and then turning stare at them sadly as if to say, ‘what do we do now?’ We’re all in the same place. Know what can help? Reading about tools to make yourself better. Tiny tricks that come from a third party who is so enthusiastic about your bettering yourself with THEIR tiny tricks that they practically use 75 exclamation marks a chapter.The amount I have learned and reminded myself and internalized from these books and audio books and (sometimes stolen) kindle books is so important to me. With the help of self-help books (… what a sentence) and, I would say, a healthy dose of female authored autobiographies and essays, I have felt way more confident in my voice and my body in the past year. I would go so far to say that 2015 me would say that 2016 ain’t doing so bad, despite the unemployment. I’m vocalizing things like an adult – to other adults! For my own benefit. That’s huge.

I know self-help isn’t going to help everyone with every issue. I know that there’s a bunch of books that are a load of crap. I was just impressed that I could find five that actually looked like they were written in a way that was fun, not condescending and helpful. I don’t know, it’s just something to look into, guys. Not every book is ‘get happier in 30 days or less.’ Some just reflect on the nature of introverts and the power of using your own strengths for you. Not to make money, not to be guaranteed to be happier, but to live your life as a human. Maybe the real results is the journey along the way. (Sorry, I’ve been on tumblr for too long)

I want to mention that I also slipped in the autobiographies and essays written by females because I really felt as though it has provided me with a lot of perspective. I’m not alone. Tina Fey was a dork and Amy Poehler can’t sleep at night. Allie Brosh has depressive swings miles deep that can be fixed with corn under the fridge, and sometimes, Monica Heisey has more to say about food dips than any other topic. None of these things are bad. They make these ladies human. In the same way, my ridiculous little habits and crazy mental state makes me human and it’s good to remember that talented people like them aren’t so different from me. You know… aside from the acclaim and attention. It was news to me that not all autobiographies are about all the drinking and partying they did with models, is what I’m trying to get at. Not everyone snorted coke with Keith Richards. I mean, I assume a lot of people have, but not enough that the entire biographies section in your local bookstore would have that chapter featured, you get me?  My advice to you guys is to just find authors that appeal to something in you that maybe have some life experiences that you can relate to. I relate to funny women who write with a lot of wit and sarcasm. I also like politicians and young women who greatly influence the world’s perspective on something so difficult to discuss as education. Some people just want to relate to Keith Richards for some reason. Just check out that section, is what I’m saying. It’s not all bad… or biographies of dead American presidents.

So this was hopefully a primer for you on what’s to come. Who knows if it’s going to be another year before I post. I certainly do not. I hope you enjoyed what’s here already. Don’t forget to be awesome.