Truly, the weird thing about depression and being unemployed is knowing about exactly how much time you are wasting, but not being able to motivate yourself to do anything about it. I don’t know how many times friends and family members crow about the amount I must get done in a day, and how I have all this time to really nail my job applications. It is a constant ache in my heart – pure guilt – that I can’t get up in the morning. I can’t utilize the time that has *so generously* been given to me to get healthy, read, learn new hobbies, practice becoming a better bilingual candidate, or craft a perfect cover letter. Thinking about cover letters has started to make me shake. I sit on the same three websites, trying to find happiness and motivation that I know probably won’t come. It hasn’t felt different in months. Days when I do get the motivation to bring up charityvillage or jobboard, I tend to open a bunch of promising tabs, only to find I don’t suit the qualifications at all. Not even close. One or two jobs do come up and then I’m shaking all over again, thinking about how finishing an application means another chance to fail. That’s when I bring up Tumblr again.
What hurts me the most, is that I used to hate people like me. Let’s be honest here, I still hate people like me. I hate that I can’t get to it and stop wasting everyone’s time and money. I hate that I force myself out of the house four times a day simply because my poor dog would never be able to relieve herself otherwise. Guys, I literally patted myself on the back yesterday for walking two doors down to take my garbage out, I can’t particularly say that I’m a capable human being. I hate that I am the kind of person who would turn to someone in my current situation and say: “ok, but you just need to do it. You need to start it, and work for ten minutes and then send it in. Done and done.” It’s really a statement I’ve heard multiple times from people I love over the past couple of months. It’s hard to say ‘I can’t’, when I ostensibly know that I have before. I’ve had jobs and gotten up for work and have been very successful. I’ve had compliments about my work from my peers and bosses. I’ve reveled in having more responsibilities, and then whined about having so much work to do for such little pay.
Can someone just tell me how to fix it? How do I stop disappointing everyone, even myself? I’m tired of my support group collectively sighing when I tell them that I’ve spent another day on the couch, if only because they have to come up with at least one more rousing motivational talk. They’re tired of it. I’m tired of it.
Help.
Socially Averse 